My mom (or “Your Dear, Sainted Mother,” as she likes to periodically remind me) recently sent me a fairly hilarious list of neologisms (aka “sniglets” for us ’70s kids who remember the Not Necessarily The News cable show). They allegedly originated from something called “the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational,” which “asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.”
This purported “invitational” got my net-hoax nose all a-tingly (which I didn’t notice at first since I was lubricating my sinuses with a little milk while reading). I didn’t find the “Mensa Invitational” specifically, but there is indeed something pretty much the same recently offered on the Washington Post’s blog, The Style Invitational, run by a mysterious “Empress.”
(And speaking of homeopathic lacto-nasal treatments, anyone else remember the all-time classic 3rd Annual Nigerian Email Conference?)
Whatever. Here’s the stuff my ma sent, along with some other choice picks from the Post’s site.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
FAQu: The response to frequently asked stupid questions.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it’s a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Elbrow: Extremely long underarm hair.
Eruditz: A philosophy professor who can’t figure out how to work the copying machine.
Entrophy: The consequence of resting on one’s laurels.
Enguish: What elocution teachers feel when they hear the president on the radio.
Unergy: A condition that strikes people on the way to work, mostly on Mondays.
Zencompass: Wherever you go, there you are.
Demoticon: A little symbol signifying bad news on an e-mail from the boss.
Nestrogen: A hormone produced during pregnancy that produces cravings for wallpaper with matching borders and dust ruffles.
Estrogent: Someone who asks if the fabulous pumps are available in a 13 1/2 E.
Farternity: An old boys’ club.
Fistipuffs: Very minor squabbling.
Fatulence: That squishing noise of thighs rubbing together.